Money Can't Buy Me Love

Money is the root of all evil. Not quite.1 Timothy 6:10 reads: "The love of money is the root of all evil." I think it's really important that we make that distinction. Nonetheless, it is also true that money issues cause more marital strife than just about anything else. And life is not much fun without any money. And as a single mom, you’ll quickly discover just how much fun it isn’t. There are surely more devastating things then the financial meltdowns that can happen as a result of divorce, but the financial impact can be immediate and profound.

In my case, my husband defined himself as the breadwinner. That’s what he did. He went to work. He worked long hours. He was out of town a lot. As a result, he was not much of a companion, nor was he big in the daddy department, but he did support us. And he did it fairly well. Thus, I had no idea that this support would not continue if we were separated.

Since my primary complaint about our marriage was his seeming lack of interest in us, his family, I figured he would relish his new found freedom and never dreamed he would not continue in his only family role - bringing home the bacon.

I don’t remember talking with him about what would happen with the money. I just assumed that he would continue to give me money. If no longer his wife, I was still the mother of his children and they still needed to eat. Assuming is not a good idea.

It's mostly a blur now, but when the first week went by, I thought it strange that he hadn’t shown up with some money. When the second week went by, I think I may have contacted him. As time went by, and my meager reserves began to dwindle, I started to worry. And I’m sure I got in touch with him again. When we did speak, he seemed nonchalant. And he explained his position to me. If he was not going to be living with us, he was not going to be paying for us. And he didn’t. In spite of a quite generous court order, I never got a dime – not one tenth of a dollar. Ever.

What made this really tough was the fact that I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. I had been homeschooling our daughter for several years. And she was just finishing middle school. We hadn’t even decided on plans for high school, but I was thinking about keeping her home. In any event, I hadn't worked in several years. Fortunately, I had gone back to school some years earlier and graduated from college not long before this, but I hadn’t planned on having to put my education to use so soon.

Then, because when it rains it pours, the IRS decided this was the time to levy our bank account having to do with an old business obligation of my husband’s. They wiped out the checking account. They even took my children’s savings accounts. I was left with $8.00 in my wallet. Our savings was in my husband's credit union and they hadn’t let me withdraw anything since the separation, and now my meager cash reserves were gone - vanished in an instant.

And there I was - living in an upscale suburb with a big, shiny car in one garage, assorted motorcycles and man toys in another, and a boat in the driveway  - without a penny to my name and no source of income.

I pray your financial picture never ever gets this gloomy, but it could. And though God has graciously restored many of my blessings, I don’t know that I’ll ever truly recover from the trauma of those early days.And it was an excruciatingly difficult time for my kids. And as I watch the way they handle their finances today, it's clear to me that they haven't fully recovered. It is also clear that sins of the parents have been visited on them.

Am I suggesting that you stay married because of money? Yep. I am strongly suggesting that the money difficulties may overwhelm you. The struggles just may be more than you can manage. At the very least, you should take a long, hard look at your situation before you do anything because it will change. Perhaps dramatically. Probably irrevocably.

           

           

My High Tower

Today is my daughter's birthday which seems a fitting day to begin my blogging journey. As usual on birthdays, I long to reminisce, but if I look back I want to do it with the hope of learning something - something that I can, perhaps, pass along.

I don't know if I have anything useful to say, I only know I need to say it. I hope to write about love and marriage and love without marriage and marriage without love. And children. And grandchildren. And so I begin.

I wasn't a Christian when Sarah was born. And when I got a part-time job and put her in nursery school my only complaint about the school was that it was a Christian school. And Sarah would come home singing, "Jesus loves me this I know..." I found it extremely annoying.

My testimony probably begins there in the shadow of that nursery school, but I'll save that story for another day. On this day, I want to fast forward to real time, to the present with all its joy and sorrow.

I begin this journey from a painful place not because I want to be here, but because this is where I am. This is where the Lord has put me. Like the Israelites I am wandering about the desert and though not for 40 years certainly for a lot longer than I'd planned. And I'm wondering if like Moses I'm supposed to hit a rock to find water or simply speak to it.

In a search for Moses and the rock, we read at aish.com 

"God's response: "Since you HIT the rock rather than speaking to it, you will not lead the Jewish people into the Land of Israel" (Numbers 20:11-12).

We read this story and think: Here's the mighty Moses, who confronted Pharaoh, arranged the Ten Plagues, split the Red Sea, brought the Torah down from Mount Sinai, and defended the people through trials and tribulations in the desert. Now he makes one little mistake and God takes away his dream of entering Israel. The consequence seems inappropriately harsh!"

Do your circumstances seem particularly harsh?

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:2 NIV I think I've almost always known of this verse. God is my rock. I like that. It's so solid. Rock. I like to think about God as my rock even though, unlike the author of this Psalm, I have been shaken. I mean, seriously, I live in Southern California. All kidding aside, I confess that my faith has been shaken - many times. And, by the grace of God, He has seen me through those shaky times. He can see you through those tough times, too, those times when your knees are wobbly.

I'm drawn to another verse as well, although I don't remember when I first read this one: "My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me." Psalm 144:2 KJV although I do remember being taken aback. Wow. God is my high tower. He is Sharon Hightower's high tower. Amazing. He is your fortress as well.

Charles Aaron "Bubba" Smith was found dead in LA yesterday. An NFL player, he gained perhaps even more recognition in his role as the super strong Moses Hightower of the "Police Academy" series of movies. And it was just this week that someone asked me - again - if I were related to him. I'm often asked. Because I'm white, people think it's a funny question, but I think people just remember this name, so they ask.

Long before "ancestry.com," I wondered about the origins of my first husband's last name, but I never really did any research. Lots of folks in my husband's family used to tell me it came from the Cherokee line, but I don't think there were a lot of high towers around back then. High mountains, yes. High towers, maybe not. The family also may be German and some say there's Russian mixed in, but the name turns out to be British - a bit boring, but true. And some branch of the family found their way to the South. I’ve seen two tombstones reading John Hightower – one on each side of the Mason-Dixon line. Apparently they fought for the Blue and the Gray.

Interestingly, my second husband's last name is Torres which, as you may have guessed, means tower. Coincidence? I hadn't thought about it when I was thinking about remarrying, and I no longer recall who first translated it for me, but there it is. I have twice married Towers.

I have memorized very few verses of Scripture in my time, but I would like to encourage you to do what I have failed to do. In fact, much of this post will probably be about just that. We're told we can't learn from another's mistakes, but perhaps we can. It would certainly be a lot less painful then having to make all of our own mistakes, wouldn't it?

I hope to use Titus 2:4 KJV as my authority, if you will, to talk with you. "That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children."

The "they" in that verse are "older women." And I am an older woman. I am 63, mother of two  and grandmother of nine! In the 70s when birth control became so much easier, we took advantage. Not so, many younger woman today. But, here again, God must know what he is doing. I was third in a family of seven, so if there was any one thing I was clear about when I first got married, it was that I didn't want a large family. And I struggled - really struggled - with two.

In some small way, I'd like to share my struggles with you. I hope to encourage you, to hold you up, maybe even to teach you. 

Teach a mother to love her children. What an odd thought, yet the news media have been crazy these days in their following of a mother whom they believe did not love her child while headlines grudgingly admit there must have been a reasonable doubt: "Casey Anthony trial acquittal: Death of Caylee Anthony is still a mystery." Christian Science Monitor – Tue, Jul 5, 2011

What kind of a monster kills her own child? We recoil at the thought. 

When I told my first husband to leave, I thought my children were old enough! They were 14 and 17. WHAT was I thinking? Children are never old enough! Everyone said, you can't stay married just for the kids. Yes, you can. And, yes, you should. There is life after your children are grown. And you can wait. 

Why? Why should you wait? If you split your family into pieces, something inside of your children will die. Something inside of your child will be torn asunder. The consequences of divorce are extremely harsh.