Wardrobe Malfunction
In a bit of a hurry today, I grabbed a new bra, tore off the tag, threw away both of the little pieces of plastic that held it on cause I hate to find them lying around, put it on followed by a tank and a blouse and ran out the door. Before I got to the freeway I was thinking how uncomfortable I was. In the front, where the wires meet, it was digging into my chest. I’m sure that must be how a heart attack feels.
Not a stranger to heart issues or the acid reflux stuff that often mimics them, I tried to calm down. And I got on the freeway trying to tug at the offensive wires a bit to little avail. I don’t think I was paying much attention to the traffic cause I kept going over and over in my head trying to figure out what bra I had put on. It was a twin pack special deal from (I’m embarrassed to admit) Walmart. But, hey, it’s a name brand and getting two on the same hanger was a real deal. My point is, I’d worn the other one before and never felt like I was being embraced by a python.
By the time I reached my off ramp, I was seriously considering going braless for the day. I am, after all, nothing if not a child of the 60s. Still, now that I’m in my sixties I can’t quite imagine what my students would think. And, unfortunately, though I’d layered a couple of tops, neither one of them provided that much coverage. So, I tried to convince myself this was indigestion. And to help it out, I drove thru McD and bought a hot tea.
When the tea didn’t seem to help, I took a detour thru the local shopping area and ran into the drug store where I bought some Tums. I briefly looked around for a bra, but the closest bet I could find were tank tops with a skimpy kind of thing sewed in. I decided that might be worse than braless. So, I chewed up a couple of Tums and told myself I was feeling better. Not.
Got to school, parked nearby, snagged a big pile of books that I needed to return to our little library, and sprinted most of the way to the office hoping to find a female with a safety pin. Having already rummaged thru my trunk, I figured there must be a better Girl Scout amongst us who really would be prepared. I found a sewing kit, contact lens cleaner, and q-tips, but no safety pin.
Off the elevator at the 4th floor and down the hall only to find the office dark and a little note saying it would be closed until 11:45a. As my class meets at 11am that wasn’t going to work. And, of course, I had left my wad of keys in the car so I couldn’t even get into my office although I was fairly certain I have didn’t have a safety pin there either.
Knowing I couldn’t carry the bunch of books all over campus, I decided to leave them in a stack in the nearby ladies room and hope for the best. What can I say? I was so uncomfortable by now that I just didn’t care much.
Back down to the second floor, which, at Cal State, is ground level at one end of Academic Hall where I spied a friend teaching in one of the computer labs. Desperate, I opened the door, interrupted her lecture and motioned for her to come out. I must have looked awful because she didn’t hesitate. Sadly, she didn’t have a safety pin either. She offered to ask her female students, but as half the class were men, I opted out.
Not too far away, in the big courtyard, there’s a coffee cart and the woman who owns it and I have become friends over the years often running into each other at the nearby Nordstrom’s Rack while getting in some retail therapy. I knew she’d understand and her cart is not far from the little store on campus which I was 90% sure didn’t carry sundries, but… Eureka! She had 3. I grabbed them all and went in search of the nearest restroom
Cheap bras, for some reason, are made of thick material, so once I untangled myself from the lycra python I could hardly get the safety pen thru the fiber. My plan was to use two and sort of make an extension which ought to relieve the pressure in the front. Finally got both thru the fabric and hooked to the other side. My fix didn’t provide much of an extension, but an inch would have to do.
Of course, now that I’ve got this mickey mouse extension in place, I have to figure out a way to get the bra back on. So, I go over the head like a sweater. Wrong. That wasn’t going to work. In the process, one of the safety pens quickly came open and stabbed me.
Gently unhooking both of them, though I wanted to scream, I put the bra on conventionally except instead of closing it with hooks, I fastened it with safety pens. And adjusted the girls and – yes – it was possible to breathe. I could feel the color returning to my face. Whoops, one came undone again. Still calm, while wanting to scream bloody murder, I simply dug it out of my flesh and decided to go with one – the one that seemed to be the stronger of the two.
Finally on my way to class, I returned the smaller of the three pins along with the monster that kept attacking me and wouldn’t stay shut. After grabbing a folder I needed from my car I ran into a friend and shared a laugh. She knew I was on my way to teach my English thru Music class and suggested it probably wasn’t the day to demonstrate the bunny hop. After telling me to “hang in there,” she left and I walked carefully on to class looking much more confident than I felt.
Fortunately, the students were presenting today. So all I had to do was call names and make some notes as one group after another shared a bit about the musical that had been assigned to them: Les Miserables, The Sound of Music, Grease, Cats. If I recall, it was about halfway through Memories that I felt a sudden loosening and realized that the one and only remaining safety pen had given up the ghost.
Thanking Allah for my folder, as I have many Saudis in my music class, I clasped it to my chest while I reminded the students of their assignment for next week and shooed them out of the door. Of course, two or three wanted to gab and must have wondered why I wasn’t my usual talkative self.
Finally, when the last student had picked up the last book bag and sauntered out the door, I locked it, checked the shades which had been drawn so we could show videos, and tore my clothes off. Yanking the lycra python off, I discovered that the pin had not only come open, it had broken in two. And I stared at the pieces, my plan for a safety pin extension now completely thwarted.
So, I changed tactics. It’s a cheap bra, I figured I ought to be able to stretch it out a bit, so I tugged and pulled and twisted before bravely putting it back on. As I did, I loosened the straps as far as they would go. My tugging and this loosening seemed to help and I was able to get back out to my car and even get thru my next class, but not before I noticed that I’d drunk my McD tea without putting the teabag in the cup. Not that I was distraught or anything!!!